hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
