Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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