20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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