Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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