the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
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You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
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A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I deserve this hangover.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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