Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
