last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
