It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
