So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
