Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
