I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
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