i think i have herpe
just one?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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