aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
