sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
