He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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