Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
