I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
