Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
