Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
