dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
