I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
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