A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
