No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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