My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
