Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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