like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
