it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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