when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
