so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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