K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
