meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
