when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
