after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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