Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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