Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
