He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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