During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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