the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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