You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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