Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
