I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
