Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
