did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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