come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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