My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
