MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
