My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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