I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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