He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
