i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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