New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
