I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
