I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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