so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
