The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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