I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
