I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
