I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
