Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
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