Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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