Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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