don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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